Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Cooking for Idiots

So, I like food. Therefore, I read a lot of food blogs. And it annoys the shit out of me when someone, thinking they've just come up with The Penultimate Recipe, types it out for readers. Now, I'm not complaining about an actual recipe. I'm complaining when the "recipe" is so simple, anyone with opposable thumbs and the IQ of a houseplant could make it without having to consult instructions.

I read a blog that recently featured on-the-go options for breakfast. The first option was toast. And the author of this blog actually typed out detailed instructions on how to transport and eat toast. Really? Really?!

Were I to give you the recipe in the vein of some of these blogs, it would go something like this:

Smoked Salmon Bagel Sandwich
1.  Procure a bagel. Pumpernickel or rye is recommended to complement the fish, but you could get any kind you like, such as sesame seed, wheat, egg, salt, French toast, cheese, sundried tomato, blueberry, onion, everything or plain.
2. Using a sharp knife, slice the bagel in half, horizontally. Be careful, the knife is sharp!
3. Take a butter knife out of the silverware drawer.
4. Retrieve the smoked salmon, cream cheese and capers from the refrigerator. 
5. Walk back to the preparation area.
6. Get out a plate.
7. Place your bagel on the plate.
8. Pick up the knife.
9. Open the cream cheese container.
10. Insert the knife.
11. Spread the cream cheese on both sides of the bagel. This will save a step later.
12. Remove salmon from package.
13. Place salmon on both sides of the bagel.
14. Go to the silverware drawer and get out a fork.
15. Return to prep area.
16. Stick fork into caper jar and remove precisely eight capers. Any more and your entire sandwich will be ruined.
17. Place four capers on each half  of the bagel.
18. Sprinkle salt and pepper over bagel.
19. Serve.
20. Pick up bagel and take a bite.
21. Chew.
22. Swallow.
23. Repeat until bagel is entirely consumed.
 And voila! That's it! A tasty bagel sandwich in just 23 easy steps!


KV said...

I always wondered how to put together a bagel sandwich! Thanks for the instructions! ;)

Kristin Sauter said...

Your bagel sandwich must have been ruined as I counted more than four capers on each half. I bet you couldn't even stomach it and had to throw it away ;-)