I Got Crafty

So, I can't sew (except to replace a button), I hate scrapbooking, and those "easy" crafts I see on Pinterest make me chuckle incredulously. I'm not very crafty, unless you count my cooking. But I wanted to make my friends, and Cookie Monster, something a little special for Valentine's Day. 

(source)

 

Yes, I think it's a stupid Hallmark holiday, but part of me still thinks it's fun. And so what if it's an excuse to do something nice for your sweetie? But it's not just my sweetie I wanted to let know I care about them; I also wanted to tell my good friends. 

So Valentine's Day this year was a way to tell my friends I care about them. Hallmark don't make a card for that (actually, they probably do. But damned if I'm gonna spend 3 or 4 bucks on something like that that they'll just throw away), so I made my own. Made my own cards, and made my own treats.

Here are the cookies I made. I totally plagiarized the idea from last year's Valentine's Day, but you know what? I don't care. They're still fucking adorable. And, to increase the theme and adorable factor, these cookies are cranberry-white chocolate chip ... so that makes them red and white. I used the chocolate chip cookie recipe from my trusty Better Homes and Gardens cookbook and instead of chocolate chips, just used dried cranberries and white chocolate chips. I spread the prepared cookie dough out onto a baking sheet and made one giant, flat cookie. Then I cut out heart shapes with my cookie cutter.

Now here's where the crafty part comes in. I simply took some brown paper lunch sacks and got out some Magic Markers. Then I just drew Valentine-y things, like hearts, on the bags. I put some red tissue paper in each one, making sure some stuck out of the top. Then I put in some cookies, folded down the tops, punched a hole and tied up the bags with red curly ribbon.

I made my own cards with red card stock and wrote cheesy messages on each one, like "I LOVE having you as a friend," or "I HEART that we're friends."

I had fun working on this little project. Maybe it was super cheesy, but I don't care. If someone's upset about getting free cookies, well, then, they're communists.

How to Make Bread Hockey Pucks

To go with my tzatziki, I thought I'd make bread hockey pucks. It's the newest thing in bread, you know. Those sandwich thins ain't got nothin' on these. I've had better success making homemade bread in recent times, so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

 

Start by gathering all your ingredients.

Then add the warm water to the yeast. When it looks all foggy like this, you know it's woken up and is doing its thing.

Next, combine the flour, sugar, oil and yeast mixture. Be sure to use part whole wheat flour, even though the recipe does not call for it, since you know it will be fine and won't affect the texture at all. Also, use idiot's logic that having a baked good in the house that's all white flour is probably a directive from Satan himself.

Since you know that salt is a natural retardant for yeast, plan to add it after you dump the yeast/water mixture into the flour. Then forget to add the salt at all.

Stir until it all comes together, until it forms a misshapen (if I was going for a foodie description, I might call it "craggy") ball.

Then commence with the kneading. Usually, a fancy-pants Kitchenaid will do this for you with the dough hook, but if you're feeling especially ambitious as I was, hand knead your dough. It will take a lot of time, but if you're listening to music and working out your frustrations on the dough, it can be quite cathartic. Knead until it's smooth and no longer sticky. I went about 15 minutes, I would guess. 

Then cut the dough into halves and then into eight equal-ish pieces. Use this moment, while you're lovingly admiring your cute little dough balls, to realize that you forgot to add salt, noting the bread will now likely taste like newspaper paste. Curse silently. Or aloud, like someone* did.

Roll into balls. Place on a baking sheet, cover with a towel and let them rise.

They should double in size. Smile to yourself, thinking that, despite the salt mishap, you have succeeded with yeast again, bringing the total number of times to a grand total of three.

Press them down into discs (or "hockey pucks") and coat with olive oil. Add salt in an abysmal last-ditch effort to impart some flavor.

Bake until golden brown on top. They should puff up in the middle, creating a pocket. These will not. Instead, they'll stay flat and cracked on the top, and each weigh in at approximately three pounds. This is likely due to the errant whole wheat flour that some idiot knew wouldn't affect the texture at all.

Sigh. Note that your success with yeast has regressed back to two times.

But wait! Note the silver lining that your husband, bless his heart, will spread copious amounts of jam on these cute little hockey pucks as a snack, thus making them edible. He's quite the guy, that Cookie Monster.

And that, my friends, is how to make your own hockey pucks at home.

Captain Obvious says: These were supposed to be pita bread. The author just royally fucked them up.

*It was me. I cursed audibly. If you know me, this will not be a surprise.

Party Eats

Cookie Monster and I recently hosted a party. This was the first time I'd cooked for several of my friends, so I wanted to impress. I also wanted to use the flavors of the season.

Here's what I made:

Hazelnut brown sugar cookies

(recipe from my Better Homes & Gardens cookbook)

Cranberry sauce over cream cheese, served with crackers

Bacon-wrapped dates

Homemade pumpkin bread

Caramelized onion and blue cheese flatbread (L) and pumpkin ricotta phyllo turnovers (R)

Ginger molasses cookies

(Both cookies were served in my Snowman cookie jar, 

which plays "Jingle Bells" when you lift his head off)

And, the pièce de résistance, Cookie Monster's famous eggnog.

Also, I mulled hot cider in my Crock pot and served that, too.

So, things turned out pretty much awesome. There was very little food left at the end of the party. Yay!

Here are the "recipes" of some of the dishes. I made these all up, so there are no exact measurements.

Bacon-Wrapped Dates

Be sure to make a lot of these babies. They go fast!

I feel silly even typing a recipe for these. It's just combining two delicious things and making them into one uber-delicious thing. Simply cut strips of bacon into thirds, wrap each slice around a dried date, and bake at 350 until the bacon is crisp. They are salty, sweet and amazing. Highly recommended.

Caramelized Onion and Blue Cheese Flatbread

Butter

Yellow onions 

S&P

Blue cheese (I used  a tub of blue cheese from Trader Joe's)

Flatbread (also from Trader Joe's)

Heat a large skillet to medium-high heat. Melt few tablespoons of butter and add onions, salt and pepper. When they begin to turn brown, reduce the heat to very low. Continue to stir until they break down and turn very brown and caramely. This usually takes a while--about 30-40 minutes.

Brush flatbread lightly with olive oil. Spread a thin layer of caramelized onions over bread, then sprinkle with chunks of blue cheese. Bake at 350 until cheese is melted and edges of bread are crisp, about 10-15 minutes.

Pumpkin Ricotta Phyllo Turnovers

Sheets of phyllo dough

Canned pure pumpkin

Part-skim ricotta cheese

Grated Asiago cheese

Freshly grated nutmeg

Hot sauce

S&P

Prepare filling: Stir together pumpkin, cheeses and spices.

Prepare phyllo: Take one piece of dough and brush lightly with olive oil. (Be sure to cover unused phyllo with a damp kitchen towel; this will prevent it from drying out.) Add another layer and brush with oil. Repeat until there are four layers of phyllo. Place layers of dough lengthwise on a cutting board like a flag. Cut horizontally into four even strips. Working with one strip at a time, spoon ricotta mixture onto bottom and fold up corner to form a triangle shape. Continue folding until you have one large triangle, and tuck the last end under the bottom. Continue with remaining strips. Cut three air slits into top of each triangle, and brush tops with olive oil. Bake until golden brown in a 350 oven, about 25-30 minutes.

Happy Birthday, Cookie Monster!

Cookie Monster recently got another year better, and since he likes to eat tasty things, I made him a special birthday breakfast: chocolate chip waffles with chocolate sauce and whipped cream, and bacon.

 

Since it was a weekday, I prepared the waffle batter the night before so it was all ready for me in the morning. I simply added the batter to the hot waffle iron, then added chocolate chips on top. They melted into the waffle, making it chocolatety and gooey. In the meantime, I made a chocolate sauce by melting chocolate chips with some milk. When the waffle was done, I poured the chocolate sauce over the top, then topped it with whipped cream. A few raspberries were a lovely garnish. Served with bacon, this breakfast ensured Cookie Monster's birthday started off sweetly. The way to a man's heart indeed!

Cookie Monster's Valentine

Since Cookie Monster is, well, a Cookie Monster, I made this Valentine's Day gift for him. I think it was apropos. Also, if I do say so myself, it was pretty fucking cute.

These are his favorite cookies, Oatmeal Scotchies, cut into heart shapes. All I did was make a whole batch of cookie dough and bake it flat on a sheet pan instead of shaping the dough into cookies. Then I used a heart-shaped cookie cutter to make these adorable cookies.

Isn't that so cute?

I paired a plate of the cookies with his present, a pair of Valentine's themed boxers. All together.

And yes, he agreed to be my Valentine. Cookies always help.