How to Make Bread Hockey Pucks

To go with my tzatziki, I thought I'd make bread hockey pucks. It's the newest thing in bread, you know. Those sandwich thins ain't got nothin' on these. I've had better success making homemade bread in recent times, so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

 

Start by gathering all your ingredients.

Then add the warm water to the yeast. When it looks all foggy like this, you know it's woken up and is doing its thing.

Next, combine the flour, sugar, oil and yeast mixture. Be sure to use part whole wheat flour, even though the recipe does not call for it, since you know it will be fine and won't affect the texture at all. Also, use idiot's logic that having a baked good in the house that's all white flour is probably a directive from Satan himself.

Since you know that salt is a natural retardant for yeast, plan to add it after you dump the yeast/water mixture into the flour. Then forget to add the salt at all.

Stir until it all comes together, until it forms a misshapen (if I was going for a foodie description, I might call it "craggy") ball.

Then commence with the kneading. Usually, a fancy-pants Kitchenaid will do this for you with the dough hook, but if you're feeling especially ambitious as I was, hand knead your dough. It will take a lot of time, but if you're listening to music and working out your frustrations on the dough, it can be quite cathartic. Knead until it's smooth and no longer sticky. I went about 15 minutes, I would guess. 

Then cut the dough into halves and then into eight equal-ish pieces. Use this moment, while you're lovingly admiring your cute little dough balls, to realize that you forgot to add salt, noting the bread will now likely taste like newspaper paste. Curse silently. Or aloud, like someone* did.

Roll into balls. Place on a baking sheet, cover with a towel and let them rise.

They should double in size. Smile to yourself, thinking that, despite the salt mishap, you have succeeded with yeast again, bringing the total number of times to a grand total of three.

Press them down into discs (or "hockey pucks") and coat with olive oil. Add salt in an abysmal last-ditch effort to impart some flavor.

Bake until golden brown on top. They should puff up in the middle, creating a pocket. These will not. Instead, they'll stay flat and cracked on the top, and each weigh in at approximately three pounds. This is likely due to the errant whole wheat flour that some idiot knew wouldn't affect the texture at all.

Sigh. Note that your success with yeast has regressed back to two times.

But wait! Note the silver lining that your husband, bless his heart, will spread copious amounts of jam on these cute little hockey pucks as a snack, thus making them edible. He's quite the guy, that Cookie Monster.

And that, my friends, is how to make your own hockey pucks at home.

Captain Obvious says: These were supposed to be pita bread. The author just royally fucked them up.

*It was me. I cursed audibly. If you know me, this will not be a surprise.

A Special Dinner at Home: Part I

Cookie Monster and I aren't too into Valentine's Day, but we did want to do something a little special. Obviously it would involve food. But restaurants always jack up their prices on V-Day, and they're crowded, and I'd be required to wear pants, etc. So, a special dinner at home it was. And the name of the game today? Homemade. I made, from scratch: ricotta cheese, pasta and bread. The bread was a big deal, because in the past I've had some ... issues ... with bread. Killed the yeast, didn't bake long enough, burnt beyond recognition.

Bread! It actually worked! I made it!

Using the famous no-knead recipe, I started my bread a good 24 hours before I intended to bake it. (Aside: I was totally suckered into the recipe by the adorable 4-year-old maker of the bread. So cute! And humbling. If a 4-year-old can do it, I should be able to, too.)

Ok, so here's the dough after I combined the following: 2 1/2 cups AP flour, 1/2 cup whole wheat flour, 1/4 teaspoon yeast, 3/4 tablespoon kosher salt and 1 1/2 cups lukewarm water. 

Then you just let it hang out. Since there are only two warm places in our house—either under flannel sheets, two blankets and a comforter in our bed, or inside the oven (turned off)—I opted for the oven. I just covered my dough with plastic wrap and let it bask in the warmth for nearly 24 hours. 

After dumping the dough onto a floured board and tucking the ends underneath, it made a lovely ball that I incubated in a Pyrex dish for another 4 hours or so.

And it rose! It did what it was supposed to do! I didn't kill the yeast! See how pretty it looked right before going in the oven?

After baking for 30 minutes with a lid, and then about 30 more without, it came out of the oven, making my house smell glorious.

 

Aaagggghhhhh. (That would be Homer Simpson drooling noises.) It was chewy and doughy but still light and fluffy. I spread real butter on top and reached nirvana.

Woo hoo! Homemade bread, dominated. Congratulations to me: I have the same skills as a 4-year-old. 

Coming next: Homemade ricotta cheese. Oh yes, it can be done.

Cooking for Idiots

So, I like food. Therefore, I read a lot of food blogs. And it annoys the shit out of me when someone, thinking they've just come up with The Penultimate Recipe, types it out for readers. Now, I'm not complaining about an actual recipe. I'm complaining when the "recipe" is so simple, anyone with opposable thumbs and the IQ of a houseplant could make it without having to consult instructions.

I read a blog that recently featured on-the-go options for breakfast. The first option was toast. And the author of this blog actually typed out detailed instructions on how to transport and eat toast. Really? Really?!

Were I to give you the recipe in the vein of some of these blogs, it would go something like this:

Smoked Salmon Bagel Sandwich

1.  Procure a bagel. Pumpernickel or rye is recommended to complement the fish, but you could get any kind you like, such as sesame seed, wheat, egg, salt, French toast, cheese, sundried tomato, blueberry, onion, everything or plain.

2. Using a sharp knife, slice the bagel in half, horizontally. Be careful, the knife is sharp!

3. Take a butter knife out of the silverware drawer.

4. Retrieve the smoked salmon, cream cheese and capers from the refrigerator. 

5. Walk back to the preparation area.

6. Get out a plate.

7. Place your bagel on the plate.

8. Pick up the knife.

9. Open the cream cheese container.

10. Insert the knife.

11. Spread the cream cheese on both sides of the bagel. This will save a step later.

12. Remove salmon from package.

13. Place salmon on both sides of the bagel.

14. Go to the silverware drawer and get out a fork.

15. Return to prep area.

16. Stick fork into caper jar and remove precisely eight capers. Any more and your entire sandwich will be ruined.

17. Place four capers on each half  of the bagel.

18. Sprinkle salt and pepper over bagel.

19. Serve.

20. Pick up bagel and take a bite.

21. Chew.

22. Swallow.

23. Repeat until bagel is entirely consumed.

 And voila! That's it! A tasty bagel sandwich in just 23 easy steps!

Bread FAIL. Pizza WIN.

When Snowpocalypse 2010 and Snowpocalypse 2010 II: The Sequel hit, I got bored sitting around inside. Usually when this boredom hits, I head to the kitchen to cook or bake something. I have, in the past, tried to make some bread, so I decided to try it again. 

Wow. Major FAIL on the bread baking. I had to warm up the water to dissolve the sugar, and I knew the water was too hot. But, being the impatient idiot I am, I dumped in the hot water anyway, hoping for the best. Yeah. Not so much. I straight-up killed my yeast. Oh, and I over-kneaded it, too. I covered my ball o' dough with a towel and kept checking it. It rose not at all. Zilch. Nada.

So, with my proverbial lemons, I made pizza crusts. Instead of bread, we had pizza. Not too bad a trade, right?

Here's the lovely gourmet pizza we made with the bread fail:

I started with a layer of olive oil brushed over the dough, then added some fresh spinach that I had chopped finely in the food processor with a bit more oil. Then we added:

*Caramelized onions

*Bleu cheese

*Prosciutto

*Goat cheese

*Chopped dates

Baked until golden brown and delicious, it was awesome! Cookie Monster and I have pretty high pizza standards now, since we make all kinds of kick-ass pizzas at home. Sometimes restaurant pizza is hard to compete with what we make. And when we make it, it's always super healthier than take-out.

Om nom nom!

French Toast Breakfast

We had a loaf of bread in the fridge that was on its last leg. Enter: French toast. I simply combined an egg, milk, a bit of ground flax seed for some Omega-3s, cinnamon sugar, cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice and cardamom and beat it all together into a batter. Soak the bread until it all absorbs the batter, then pan-fry until golden brown.

This was for Cookie Monster.So I also made some bacon (AKA meat candy), and, to get a little fruit into him, half a banana and blueberries. And naturally, the French toast was doused in real maple syrup. That's how he rolls.

French Toast: Are you ready for your close-up?

I think that was a yes.

A Delightful Breakfast

This was a lovely breakfast I had yesterday. One of my favorite things of all time is peanut butter and jelly. It's practically the only thing I ate from approximately ages 3-12. I was a really picky eater as a kid; I don't know how my mom put up with me. If I had kids, they'd eat what I fixed them. The end. 

Thankfully, I grew out of the "trying new things is gross!" phase, and like almost everything now (except most meat, which is why, with new people, I just say I'm a vegetarian for simplicity's sake). I think the only vegetables I don't like are jicama and raw fennel.

Anyhoo, the point is, I still love PBJ, and a lot of times I have PBJ oatmeal. Yesterday I had whole wheat English muffins, so I did PBJ on each half.

But this ain't no regular jelly; it's my mother-in-law's homemade boysenberry jam. Oh my, is it good.

Alongside the English muffin, I had about a quarter each of an apple and banana, which I cooked in the microwave to break down the fruit and make it all warm, sugary and squishy. There was also a bit of plain yogurt and a crumbled bran muffin on the fruit (which was what I made for Cookie Monster's breakfast--I just swiped a little of it). Mmmmm!

All this, paired with the mandatory coffee (note the Ducks 1995  Rose Bowl mug. I have been a Ducks fan for a while), was a delightful and healthy breakfast. 

Because He's the Best

Cookie Monster did a really nice thing the other day and I wanted to show my gratitude. Enter: Bananas Foster French Toast. And yes, it really is as good as it sounds.

Here's what I put in it:

*Milk

*1 egg

*1/2 a really ripe banana, mushed (and yes, that is the technical cooking term for how it's to be prepared)

*Cinnamon

*A sprinkle of ground flax

*Pumpkin pie spice

*Cinnamon/sugar blend

*Cardmom

I just whisked all the ingredients together in a bowl. Then I dipped in whole wheat slices of bread. The amounts I used turned out to be enough for 2 1/2 slices of French Toast. Perfect.

I melted about 1/2 a tablespoon butter in a pan, dipped the bread in the mixture and let it absorb. Then I cooked the toast until it was golden brown on each side.

While it was cooking away, I made the Bananas Foster topping:

*~1 tablespoon butter

*1 banana, sliced (I used a knife, not this completely useless piece of crap. We saw this in the store and it made us laugh out loud. Seriously?! A fucking banana slicer? How lazy are you?)

*Some more cinnamon

*A few handfuls brown sugar

I just sauteed the bananas in the butter until they began to soften, then added the spices and brown sugar. Cooked on low, it transformed into this gooey, sticky, wonderfully banana-y topping for the toast. I didn't have any rum, lest I would've made real Bananas Foster, complete with flambe.

After the toast was golden brown on each side, I poured the ooey, gooey topping over it and served it with half a grapefruit. And even though it seems decadent, the nutritional stats aren't particularly bad: whole grain bread, nonfat milk, fruit... I think the worst thing was the butter, but I didn't use very much.

Cookie Monster gave it two thumbs up!

What to do with a cauliflower the size of Rhode Island

My mom came to visit recently to help us settle into our new digs here on the East Coast. It's fall, and there are many lovely leaves and fall-ish things going on around here, including fun autumnal things such as apples, pumpkins and squash. We took a trek out to the country to Weber's Farm (ok, it was really not the country. It was two miles off the main freeway essentially) to partake of these fall delights. It was not a pumpkin patch like the one I was expecting (and spoiled by) but it was a country store with yummy things to eat, so I was ok with that. We did not buy a pumpkin, but we did buy a lot of produce (among other things) for not too much money. I think we came home with:
*7 apple cider doughnuts. We started with a dozen. Mom and I each had one, Cookie Monster had three. Three doughnuts in one sitting! I wish I had Cookie Monster's metabolism.
*pumpkin butter
*an enormous bunch of kale
*a butternut and acorn squash
*green pepper
*yellow summer squash
*spinach
*a cauliflower the size of Rhode Island.
See? I put my hand next to it for scale.

Instead of wrestling with our bamboo steamer, I just steamed about 2/3 of the cauliflower by slowly cooking in a saute pan with some chicken stock. My final intention for it was to make a puree; it almost has a mashed potato consistency.

Cookie Monster and Mom were having some sort of meat dish for dinner, so I cooked up my own veggies. But you better believe I had some of the crusty bread we got!

I also sauteed the cauliflower greens. I had never tried it before and figured: what the hell? I cooked them in the same way--steamed with a bit of chicken stock until it evaporated, then browned with olive oil, garlic, S&P. Since these are much tougher than the cauliflower, I did them first.

Cookie Monster got some St. Andre brie cheese and spread it on a baguette, then toasted lightly in the toaster oven. The cheese melts and takes on almost a buttery consistency; it's awesome.

Here are the finished cauliflower greens, garnished with a bit of parmesan cheese.

After the cauliflower was quite tender, I pureed it with a bit of "butter" (this stuff) and S&P. Since I overcooked the it a little, the puree was a brownish color. But no worries. It tasted great! Garnished with some parmesan cheese and a bit of leftover gravy, it was delightful!

Slainte! Happy St. Patty's Day!

A certain festive holiday was recently celebrated by many. This holiday is mainly an excuse for anyone of the Caucasian persuasion to adopt a foreign heritage, drink a bunch of beer and then vomitously pass out. I think I have some Irish in me somewhere (my surname is actually really common in present-day Ireland) but count myself among the people who find it really annoying when people say "Oh sure! I'm [insert nationality with which one may be loosely associated]" when it's convenient. So, really, I'm an American mutt with distant ties to the land o' green, along with several other countries in the vicinity whose descendants have no need whatsoever for any melanin in their skin. Seriously, I am freakin' white.

But that sure doesn't mean I don't like to join in the Americanized bastardization of said holiday. So bring on the beer! This is Guinness (what else?) but in a Carlsberg glass that is actually from Ireland.

Seriously. I stole it from a pub in Galway. Sadly, my beloved Bulmer's, one of the Best Drinking Substances in the History of the World, is not sold in the state of Oregon, so I had to do without. Woe is me.

Here is my special St. Patrick's Day shirt that I made myself about six years ago. Awww... ... So... sweet?
Into my Crock pot went about 2.5 pounds of Corned Beef, along with the corning liquid and about half a Guinness, and 9 hours later, here is what it looked like.

And, because I am apparently in fifth grade, I had some fun with me onions and me parsnip. It was a very large parsnip. Tee hee!

Here it is, along with some cabbage and celeriac.

For dessert following my Irish feast, I opted for Guinness gingerbread cupcakes.

They really had Guinness in them! Cupcake recipe at the end of the post.

Here they are, ready to get baked! Ha! Stoner cupcakes!
And here they are fully cooked, but still naked. Not unlike many St. Patrick's Day revelers.

Wanting to take in the full cheesiness of the holiday, I dyed some beer green.

And then I drank it. And it was good.

Fully clothed cupcakes!

They are frosted with Irish cream cream cheese frosting. And a green mini M&M for good measure.

Also, I baked some authentic Irish soda bread.

Like this website will tell you, real Irish soda bread does not contain nuts, seeds, raisins, candies, sugar or any other shit. It has four ingredients: flour, baking soda, buttermilk, salt. The end. It is ridiculously easy to make and is hella good with just butter. Or some Irish cheddar. Or butter and Irish cheddar.

I roasted the root vegetables in the oven, then stir-fried the cabbage and onions together.

See my corned beef? I could've cut it with a spoon. That's why Crock pots are lovely inventions. It's really hard to fuck something up in the Crock pot.

Cookie Monster attempted to make gravy from the corning liquid by boiling it and adding flour directly to it. This resulted in some lovely floaters on top of the liquid that looked and tasted gross. But since they were whole, they could easily be fished out, and we settled for a more viscous "gravy."

All together! (Oh yeah, I mashed some potatoes too). Soda bread, mashed potatoes, root vegetables, corned beef!


Slainte! (That's "cheers" in Gaelic. It is pronounced slon-chuh. Don't ask me why.)

As promised, here is the recipe for the Guinness gingerbread. If you're still reading, you get a gold star! I got this from ye old Internets, and I have no fucking clue from where. So if you own this recipe, you can have the credit.

2/3 cup (160 ml) Guinness Stout

2 cups (240 g) unbleached all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder

1-1/4 teaspoons baking soda

2-1/4 teaspoons ground ginger

1/4 teaspoon ground white pepper (I didn't have any of this and just left it out)

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

2 large eggs

1/2 cup (88 g) granulated sugar

1/3 cup (37 g) firmly packed dark brown sugar

2/3 cup (160 ml) molasses

3/4 cup (180 ml) canola oil (I used applesauce instead)

Place rack in center of the oven and preheat to 350° F. In the microwave, warm the Guinness Stout in the glass measuring cup, or you can warm it on the stove in a small sauce pan. Bring just to a simmer then remove from heat. (This seems like a really pointless step. I would leave it out next time.) In the medium mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, ginger, white pepper, and cinnamon. In the large mixing bowl, whisk together the eggs, granulated sugar, brown sugar, and molasses until smooth. Add the canola oil and whisk until thoroughly combined. Add the dry ingredients alternating with the beer (dry, beer, dry, beer, dry). Whisk as you add, then mix at the end just until combined. (Phhhhtttttt. This is too fussy. I just dumped dry into wet.) Do not overmix. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 50 to 60 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean. Place cake pan on a wire rack to cool. (I made cupcakes, and they baked for about 25 minutes or so).

Irish Cream Cream Cheese Frosting a la VCK
I softened a block of cream cheese overnight on the counter, then simply added powdered sugar and Irish cream to taste, until it was sweet enough to frost cupcakes (but not too sweet). I would say I used probably 1.5-2 cups of powdered sugar and maybe 3/4 cup Irish cream? I used this kind of Irish cream. Cookie Monster bought it because of the whimsical name. Fucking adorable, right?