Cooking for Idiots

So, I like food. Therefore, I read a lot of food blogs. And it annoys the shit out of me when someone, thinking they've just come up with The Penultimate Recipe, types it out for readers. Now, I'm not complaining about an actual recipe. I'm complaining when the "recipe" is so simple, anyone with opposable thumbs and the IQ of a houseplant could make it without having to consult instructions.

I read a blog that recently featured on-the-go options for breakfast. The first option was toast. And the author of this blog actually typed out detailed instructions on how to transport and eat toast. Really? Really?!

Were I to give you the recipe in the vein of some of these blogs, it would go something like this:

Smoked Salmon Bagel Sandwich

1.  Procure a bagel. Pumpernickel or rye is recommended to complement the fish, but you could get any kind you like, such as sesame seed, wheat, egg, salt, French toast, cheese, sundried tomato, blueberry, onion, everything or plain.

2. Using a sharp knife, slice the bagel in half, horizontally. Be careful, the knife is sharp!

3. Take a butter knife out of the silverware drawer.

4. Retrieve the smoked salmon, cream cheese and capers from the refrigerator. 

5. Walk back to the preparation area.

6. Get out a plate.

7. Place your bagel on the plate.

8. Pick up the knife.

9. Open the cream cheese container.

10. Insert the knife.

11. Spread the cream cheese on both sides of the bagel. This will save a step later.

12. Remove salmon from package.

13. Place salmon on both sides of the bagel.

14. Go to the silverware drawer and get out a fork.

15. Return to prep area.

16. Stick fork into caper jar and remove precisely eight capers. Any more and your entire sandwich will be ruined.

17. Place four capers on each half  of the bagel.

18. Sprinkle salt and pepper over bagel.

19. Serve.

20. Pick up bagel and take a bite.

21. Chew.

22. Swallow.

23. Repeat until bagel is entirely consumed.

 And voila! That's it! A tasty bagel sandwich in just 23 easy steps!

Spiced Cider

As the days turn colder and the season barrels full-speed toward Christmas, you may want something warm to drink after a hard day of playing in the snow, cutting down a Christmas tree, or napping on the couch. Enter: hot spiced cider!

 First, you'll need apple juice, preferably something with such an ingredient list as: "Apples, water." (I.e. not from a can.)

Pour your apple juice into a saucepan and add the following spices:

Cinnamon sticks

Whole cloves

Freshly grated nutmeg

And a dash of cardamom. Go easy on this stuff; it's a potent flavor.

Then, just turn on a low heat and let the cider heat up and steep, infusing all those holiday flavors into your cider as well as kitchen and the entirety of your oddly shaped long apartment. For a holiday party, pour into a Crockpot on low to keep it warm. Just remember to fish out the cloves and cinnamon before serving! A clove is not a sufficient snack.
Spirits, such as AppleJack, rum or Buttershots, added to the cider make it especially festive.

Merry ChrisKwanzaaKuh!

Something poignant

Most of the time, I'm sarcastic, snarky, quick to laugh at stupid things (especially bad puns!). But not today.

 This is one of my favorite songs.

Boston Restaurant Week Lunch

Cookie Monster and I recently ventured to Boston for a long weekend. While there, we did plenty of eating. But also plenty of walking. So it evened out.

On our last day, we took advantage of Boston's Restaurant Week and had a two-course lunch at Henrietta's Table in Cambridge for $15.10 each. It was a stellar deal and great food.

Here is my first course: Spinach Salad, Native Blackberries, Westfield Farm's Goat Cheese, Spicy Maple Pecan Vinaigrette

Wow. This was so simple yet so delicious. The goat cheese was mild and creamy, the berries were bright and incredibly fresh, and the candied pecans were sweet and nutty. 

The dressing (which I ordered on the side) had more whole pecans in it. The maple flavor was pretty subtle, and really, it was not all that exciting. But the salad was so good, it didn't really need anything extra.

The meal came with a bread basked with myriad flavors of bread: there was cranberry walnut (which I tried but gave most of to Cookie Monsters, since walnuts and my tongue do not get along), some kind of molasses-y bread, and a plain roll.

Perusing their cocktail menu, I saw this cocktail, and since it was my last day of vacation, I said to hell with it and ordered a cocktail at lunch. It was a very good call.

This would be the Sangria Sorbet Martini: A Scoop of Sangria Sorbet topped with Ketel One Vodka

Um, wow. The sorbet was full of  fresh fruit flavor, though I did have to heed the waitress' warning to stir it all together, lest I just be drinking straight-up vodka.

For my entree, I ordered the Assorted Grilled Vegetable Sandwich on Seven Grain Bread, Olive Relish, Creamy Cole Slaw.

Honestly, the sandwich was just ok. It came with lots of tasty grilled vegetables, but the strong olive tapenade flavor sortof took over the sandwich and muted the flavor of the vegetables. Also, it was a bit greasy. Maybe less butter on the bread and the addition of basil and goat cheese would've made it great. And the coleslaw was completely forgettable. It was quite heavy on the mayo, so I only took a few bites. I typically don't like coleslaw, and while I thought Henrietta's version could make me a convert, alas, it did not.

Here are Cookie Monster's two courses.

That would be the Cornmeal Crusted Monkfish Sandwich, House-made Tartar Sauce, Lettuce and Tomato.

 Oh yes, and the Henrietta's World Famous Chocolate Bread Pudding with Rum Caramelized Bananas, Vanilla Bean Ice Cream. It was pretty much amazing. The caramel with the bananas and ice cream was an amazing combination, and the chocolate added a little somethin' extra to the bread pudding.

The stars of this meal were easily the salad and the bread pudding. An interesting dichotomy, but a tasty one.

I really liked Henrietta's pledge to use local, seasonal ingredients. Here's what they say about that:

Henrietta's Table prides itself on "Fresh from the Farm and Honest to Goodness Home Cooking." Chef Davis and his staff are committed to finding the best regional and organically grown produce, not only to support the local farmers and community, but to bring award-winning dishes to our guests.

That's definitely something I can get behind.Well, that and bread pudding.

Summer Corn Soup

I got this recipe from this awesome and drool-enhancing website.

(image from Seasons & Suppers, the aforementioned recipe source)

I picked up the corn at the farmers' market--$4 for a dozen ears. Not too shabby! Though Cookie Monster and I were reminiscing about how, when we were little kids, we remembered corn being something like six ears for a dollar.
When the weather began to finally turn warm (keep in mind I grew up in the Pacific Northwest--the weather did not start to turn warm until July), I would keep my eyes peeled faithfully every time we drove on a certain highway. I was waiting for the appearance of the "corn man," a farmer who parked his truck on the side of the road and advertised his cheap corn with cardboard signs. My mom and I would always stop and pick up a ton of fresh, sweet corn. When we got home, it was my job to shuck it. I would take a brown paper bag outside the kitchen door, sit on the step, and shuck away. It's a nice summer memory.

Cookie Monster and I had previously purchased a few ears from the farmers' market, so we knew how delicious it was. I saw this recipe and wanted to make the soup with the sweet corn. Also, considering it was approximately a thousand degrees outside, I wanted something cool. (Although cooking it on a thousand-degree day was not the best idea, eating it cold in the following days was what I was going for.)

I started by cutting the corn off five ears, and reserving all the corn.

To get the "milk," the sweet corny liquid that's left, run the back of your knife down the cob. This adds a lot of extra flavor.

I then added my naked cobs to a large pot, then filled with water and brought to a boil, then turned to a simmer. This is your corn stock, and it really adds a lot to the soup. I supposed in a pinch you could use chicken stock, but why waste all that delicious corny flavor?

Though the recipe did not call for it, I started by sauteeing two strips of bacon in the pan. I thought it needed a bit more "umph," and bacon certainly adds it! After it was nice and crunchy, I took it out and reserved it. The fat is the flavor I wanted.

Then I basically just followed the recipe. I know, it's unlike me to do that, but I wanted to see what happened. You know, just for shits and giggles.

I added onion, garlic, celery, potato and marjoram (and the requisite S&P) to the bacon fat and sauteed 'til soft.

I then added the corn stock and most of the corn kernels (I reserved about 3/4 cup to add in at the end) and pureed away with my handy-dandy immersion blender. (Actually, it broke in the process. Shit! But Cookie Monster fixed it.)

I added the rest of the corn and sprinkled with fresh basil, chopped tomatoes and the crunchy bacon.

I served it alongside a delicious caprese salad composed of spinach, mozzarella, tomatoes, basil and balsamic vinegar.

It was a lovely meal. However, the soup was a bit boring. I think next time I would add some more spices, such as basil and parsley, and maybe some hot sauce or red pepper flakes. I was right about adding some umph, and next time I'd add even more. But all in all, a successful corn endeavor.

Hmm. Sounds like a good band name.

America: Fuck Yeah!

I made a cake to take to our friends' Fourth of July BBQ. It's Ina Garten's Lemon Yogurt Cake, to which I added poppyseeds. And then came the decorations. It's the Fourth of July, right? So you gotta be patriotic, right? And perhaps a little cheesy?

Welp, here you go.

Lemon yogurt poppyseed cake decorated with real whipped cream, strawberries and blueberries. For the patriot in all of us. 

It's Effin' HOT!

Even the candle is droopy.

(How embarrassing!)

Happy Birthday, Cookie Monster!

Cookie Monster recently got another year better, and since he likes to eat tasty things, I made him a special birthday breakfast: chocolate chip waffles with chocolate sauce and whipped cream, and bacon.

 

Since it was a weekday, I prepared the waffle batter the night before so it was all ready for me in the morning. I simply added the batter to the hot waffle iron, then added chocolate chips on top. They melted into the waffle, making it chocolatety and gooey. In the meantime, I made a chocolate sauce by melting chocolate chips with some milk. When the waffle was done, I poured the chocolate sauce over the top, then topped it with whipped cream. A few raspberries were a lovely garnish. Served with bacon, this breakfast ensured Cookie Monster's birthday started off sweetly. The way to a man's heart indeed!

Homemade Pho

Pho is one of my favorite things (it's pronounced "fuh.") It's a Vietnamese noodle soup that's slightly spicy, very tangy and is served with myriad extra fun things to dump in. Any dish that is automatically customizable is ok in my book. It's also great for a hangover (not that I would know.) 

Pho is one of those things I get cravings for sometimes, but satiating those cravings becomes difficult living in Baltimore; there are decidedly few pho options in the city. Boo! Coming from Portland, where there are many, this caused some consternation. Enter: White Girl makes her own pho. And while it's nowhere near authentic, it's a pretty damn good representation and will do when good pho is 3,000 miles away.

So here's how I did it.

I started by sauteeing onions and lemongrass in some sesame oil. When they were just translucent, I added chopped mushrooms. Then I added enough (homemade! so good!) chicken stock to make it into soup. Then I added all the Asian ingredients I had in my house: fish sauce (this really makes it--it gives it great umami), soy sauce, sriracha and grated ginger, along with some pho rice noodles. This seems like an exotic ingredient, but I found them at the regular grocery store. Same with the lemongrass.

 

I let it simmer for a bit, then added some frozen corn. Finally, I topped it off with fresh scallions. 

To serve, I even chopped up some typical garnishes that normally accompany pho in any restaurant: lime wedges, mung bean sprouts and peanuts. Ok, so the peanuts aren't quite typical, but they were a really nice touch. In restaurants, there are normally two sauce options, too: a sortof sweet plum sauce, and a spicy chili sauce similar to sriracha. I didn't have those and had already added some spice.

Homemade pho! Like I said, not quite authentic, but pretty admirable for a home effort.

Mango Pico de Gallo

This is a light salsa good on top of tacos or just for dippin'. You could even bulk it up with black beans and make it a side dish. I did just this for a picnic with some of my running friends, and they raved about it. Making it is so simple a Caveman could do it  any child could do it (I really effin' hate those commercials).

Start by peeling and cutting a mango (this may be the toughest step).

Then add the zest and juice of a lime.

Next, chop some tomatoes.

Then, add chopped cilantro. If you're like me and luurve cilantro, add a lot.

Next comes the chopped avocado.

Then add S&P and a bit of hot sauce. Had I had a jalapeno around, I would've added that too, but since I didn't, hot sauce sufficed. Give it a good stir (but don't crush the avocado) to coat everything in lime juice and the seasonings.

Isn't it pretty? So many bright colors. If you want to impress someone, make this. Just don't tell them how easy it was.

I served mine on top of some chicken tacos, which I also garnished with taco sauce and plain yogurt (which simulates sour cream).

And there you have it! Ole!

Rice Paper Rolls

One of my favorite appetizers at Thai restaurants is the vegetarian rice paper rolls. The rice paper is chewy and the vegetables are fresh and crunchy, and the accompanying peanut dipping sauce is salty and tangy. It makes for a delightful combination. I purchased some rice paper rolls way back in the day and needed to use them up, so I made some homemade. They turned out pretty damn good--a pretty decent likeness to my favorite Thai restaurant's version.

Here we have the assembly line for the rolls. You want to make sure to have everything ready to go before you wet the rice paper, lest you end up with a soggy, rice papery mess and no roll. And that would be sad.

 

So, I assembled all my ingredients:

*Scallions

*Shredded carrot

*Shredded cucumber

*Shredded yellow pepper

*Avocado

*Cilantro

*Spicy wasabi peanuts (which were leftover from a random road trip but worked perfectly for these)

Then, you simply take the rice paper and run it under warm water for about 10 seconds, making sure to saturate the whole thing. Next, lay it flat on your work surface and place all desired fillings closer to one end, then roll up like a burrito. Try to roll them tightly so they don't end up falling apart when you bite into them.

I didn't make a tangy peanutty dipping sauce, but instead used Trader Joe's teriyaki dipping sauce, which I could drink with a straw it's so good.

I paired these rice paper rolls with my attempt at homemade pho. Stay tuned to hear about that adventure!

Farmers' Market Fresh: In My Glass

One of my favorite cocktails as of late is the Strawberry Royale from one of my favorite Happy Hours as of late. Blue Hill is within walking distance of our house, and they have a lovely outdoor patio with great specials, so what's not to love? 

I wanted to recreate this drink at home, so when Cookie Monster and I picked up a pint of fresh strawberries at the farmers' market, I did. 

I muddled 3-4 strawberries with one shot of vodka, then dumped into a champagne glass. Then I simply filled the rest with sparkling wine. Voila! It was a pretty good replication, especially with the fresh berries.

A lovely happy hour cocktail, or something delicious for Sunday brunch.

Apple Oat Bran Cranberry Pancakes

Here are some delicious pancakes I made in order to use up some apples that were turning bad. They got involved with some other bad apples at school and were headed down a bad path, straight toward the Appletinis. But I reformed those apples and made them into something wholesome: these healthy and tasty pancakes.

Ye Olde Internets yielded this recipe, so naturally I have no idea from whence it came. Hmm... does applesgonegood.com exist? Nope! But maybe it should.

3/4 cup oat bran

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

1 cup milk

1 egg

1 tablespoon oil

2 teaspoons honey

1/2 cup dried cranberries

1/2 cup apple, chopped finely

I combined all these ingredients per instructions, but found the batter was a bit thin. So I just added in some oatmeal until it reached a more pancake-like consistency.

I served them on my adorable new springy placemats, courtesy of the Easter Bunny. 

Actually, it was my mom, who, from 3000 miles away, devised an apartment-wide Easter Egg Hunt for Cookie Monster and me. At the end was a See's egg (a definite throwback to when I was a kid), some Peeps (which are just now the crunchy consistency I prefer. Not kidding.) and these placemats with matching hand towels. Thanks, Easter Mommy!

You can just see how healthy these pancakes look. They're hearty and chewy, and the apples give them a little unexpected crunchy surprise here and there. The cranberries add some sweetness. Overall, they're really good.

Preparation

You know you have a race tomorrow when...

(This pic was taken on April 24, the night before my 6K race. But it illustrates a point.)

Apple Pie Soufflé

We had four apples that were looking pretty sad and needed to be used ASAP.

They look ok here, but were starting to get mushy.

I found this cool recipe in the paper a few months ago for a carrot soufflé, which turned out awesome. At the time, I thought it would pretty much work with any flavoring in place of the carrot; the recipe simply calls for pureeing cooked carrots to give it the carrot flavor. I think asparagus, cheese, roasted peppers, artichokes or corn would all be good substitutes for the carrot. So today, as I was brainstorming how to use up those sad apples, I thought of the souffle recipe. Enter: apple pie soufflé.

I started by peeling two of the apples, then chopping into pieces.

Then I pureed them in my mini food processor with a bit of milk to make them a soft puree texture.

Then I just followed the recipe, of course with my own additions here and there.

Here's the recipe (which is cut in half from the original):

1 cup cooked carrots (or whatever flavor you're going for)

1.5 tablespoons cornstarch

1/2 cup + 1/8 cup  milk

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon honey

2 eggs, beaten

1/8 cup butter, melted

So obviously I used the pureed apples in place of the carrots here. I also added some pumpkin pie spice, molasses in place of the honey, cinnamon and cardamom.

Then I baked the whole thing at 400 in a greased casserole dish for about 45 minutes, until a knife inserted in the middle came out clean.

Et voila! Apple pie soufflé! Serve warm with vanilla ice cream.